I joined the Army and the Marine Corps, both times I was injured and dropped. I have started numerous businesses, all of them have either failed or succeeded moderately and then collapsed. I have written numerous blogs and books, I have hardly any traction and almost no sales. I have been married several times, I have never been more than a worker bee (unless I started the business), never achieved anything great, and struggled mightily for two degrees that, with $1.89, would buy me a Pepsi (Max, preferably).
By all accounts, by every measure, I am a failure. I fall short. I come in second place, if I place at all.
I have achieved nothing save survive and push on. Actually, many people try to bolster my spirits by saying that my success is not giving up. But that is a participation trophy when the only option is suicide, which is not an option.
This has been tough because I know I am capable of so much more. I have a great work ethic, I have compassion, I am pretty freakin’ smart and can understand and do anything I want. I have a ridiculously strong work ethic and work several jobs at a time because it interests me and because I want to.
But, in every – every – effort I have made to be more than my current state – to be successful, to lead, to achieve, and influence for good – I am smashed. Not just denied, but destroyed. The harder I try, the harder the resistance and often, the harder the collapse. I can do anything, but I either don’t get the chance or I am denied by circumstances, nasty people, or timing.
It isn’t just frustrating, it is soul crushing. It has challenged my faith in God, in life, and myself. I have had, and still have, crushing depression because I see so many people who aren’t as good or smart as I am excel, succeed, and accomplish things that allow them to do so much more with their lives, like enjoy them. So what is so wrong with me and why does God allow me to be so frustrated?
The answer struck me awhile ago and it took processing. It was one of those answers that are testimony worthy, but it was painful, frustrating, and not very consoling. Thus, I knew it wasn’t just me, it was my state and purpose.
On my first return to the gospel in the early 90s, I struggled a lot. I had a lot of conflicts and trusted people that I shouldn’t have out of naiveté. One person that helped me through this period was the director of the LDS Institute at the University of Utah. For some reason, he decided to embrace me and help me understand the world and the gospel. I am forever grateful to him. He is one of the few men of God I have met that I know walks with the spirit intimately.
One day, having a particularly rough time, one of my first real challenges, I came to him broken hearted. I had mentioned that he had said in a class one time that our trials in life are often related to our valiance in the pre-mortal war of words. I accept this because we are often told in the scriptures that the Father won’t allow hardship greater than we are able to bear. How would he know what we can bear? Because first, he is our Father and knows us individually, and second, he knows our character from how we defended His Son in the pre-mortal council. So yes, I believe that what we experience here is in direct correlation with our valiance pre-mortally.
I came to the director and asked for a blessing. I was near tears (which then was a very rare state for me) and said to him “You know how you say that our hardships are correlated with our valiance in the war in heaven? Well, I must have been a platoon sergeant or something.” He teared up a bit, gave me a huge hug and said to me “No, you were a general; a leader of generals.” and it broke me in half.
I have pondered that ever since then. At the time I struggled (and still do to a bit) with believing that I am anything more than a slug, a useless sack of meat and liquid, a curse upon those I come in contact with, and nothing special. I always knew I was different and weird; I always thought it was because I have no value and people see it.
Then, I was told in the temple, after conversion 3.0, that heavenly Father wants me to write. To write everything. Through my words I bring peace, strength, and help to those suffering in the world. That through my words I can inspire or tear down, so I need to use my words with love as much as possible. I was told that this is my contribution to the world.
Yet, this is one more place where I fail. I don’t write as often as I should and, when I do, it hardly has any traction or impact at all, as I can see. It is just one more failure, one more way of falling short. One more piece of evidence that I don’t matter, nor anything that I do.
Always failing. Always falling short. Never getting to the target I believe I should.
So, in one of these downer moments, these moments before I fall into what I claim to be “sleep,” I started a conversation with Heavenly Father. “Why?”
And the answer finally came. Like I said, it didn’t bring peace or comfort, but it certainly brought clarity.
Yes, I was valiant in the war in Heaven. I showed great character, great ability to lead and persuade, and I have been given the gift of knowledge. I literally could do anything I want in this mortal experience, but then what would I learn if I did?
How would I know the power of Jesus Christ if I could do everything and anything I want and be successful?
How would I learn humility and compassion for those who can’t do all that I can?
How would I know what it is like to call on someone who does make up the difference when I fall short?
How would I have known the power of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father if I hadn’t needed them for anything?
It stilled my mind, calmed my heart, but it was also a promise. I recognize that I may never have the opportunity to be what I know I can be, but I am promised that through Jesus Christ, I am enough. My hardship, failure, and falling short won’t end, but the gap is made with faith in Him to support me, provide for me, and soothe my aching. I don’t need to be everything I can be here, in this world, but I do need to do my best to get as close as I can, then have faith that it is enough and it pleases Him.
We are not failures because we fail. We are not worthless because we don’t produce as we believe we should. We will always come up short because we need Christ to make up the difference. It isn’t a financial or worldly gain, it is a gain in faith and character – to be who our Heavenly Father knows us to be, not to be who we think we should be, ourselves.
