I was surprised to see my last post was November 2017. Wow, over a year has passed. It is amazing how quickly time flies. No one seemed to notice though. I haven’t received a single email or note from anyone that has ever read my material asking what is up. No one has reached out to say “I miss reading your material.” But that is OK. I don’t have a lot of readership and I don’t expect people to do so. I just now realized that no one has, I haven’t been dwelling on it.

I find that interesting, because it has also been my experience in Church. It has also been my experience in most of my social circles. I have a few very close friends, and they will occasionally surface to check in, as I do for them, but for the most part, it has been very quiet.

Why haven’t I written? Mostly because of depression. I struggled to even care. I felt woefully unappreciated at work, I felt lonely socially, and unneeded or wanted. By the end of December 2017, I was back to seriously doubting my purpose or need to be here on earth. I wasn’t completely sold on suicide, but the temptation was there again. Very heavy a temptation at that.

What I find interesting is that during this time, no one knew I was suicidal. No one knew how great the ebb of my willingness to continue to live had grown. I really didn’t care anymore, and apparently no one cared enough to notice.

I was alone. I hated my job. I hated the failure of my life. I hated the pain of missing my children. I hated the chronic pain that is all consuming at times. I hated that no matter how hard I try to be a good a person, it never really got me much further than barely surviving. I was just feeling done.

When I get depressed, I shut down. I disappear. It becomes a vicious circle – the more I disappear, the more isolated I feel, the more I want to disappear more. I know what causes my depression – an inability to find solutions.

But, I made a choice a long time ago. I decided to always choose living. I chose choice, so my choosing is already done. I just feel stuck because I committed to being here. I made a choice that suicide is not an option, so now I feel I have no options. If you have no options, what do you do?

You make the best possible choice you can and have faith.

Now, I always think it is funny, in a Greek Comedy way, that I see so many people say “if you are feeling suicidal, call this number or reach out to me!” Do they not understand that when you feel this way, you don’t want to talk to anyone? It is that feeling that I can’t reach out to anyone, that there is literally no one that cares, that makes me feel alone enough to end my life. Why is the burden on us, the person that doesn’t want to live anymore?

I do this too, not reaching out. I have lost friends to suicide. I know what it does to families, I have seen it first hand. I have experienced it as it happened. I have seen the years of damage it has done. So I know what it would do to my family, the cops that have to take the report, the EMTs that have to examine the body. It is messy. It smells horrific, and it looks nothing like it does on TV. There is no way to die easily or nicely.

I still feel the guilt of not trying hard enough to reach out to a friend that the Spirit reminded me to reach out to. That weight is on my shoulders. But still, my contemplation of suicide is different, right? Everyone will miss others, no one will miss me.

It is not a selfish act, and to cast it in that light makes it less likely that someone will ask for help. It is an act of desperation. It is an act of feeling there is no choice left to make – the world and those I love will just be better off without me.

No, suicide isn’t quitting, it isn’t selfishness, it isn’t weakness. I can tell you exactly what a suicidal ideation is – a desire for change. A need for change and not seeing a solution. At. All.

In Tarot cards, the Death card is not “yer gonna die soon,” it is a symbol for change. When I learned that, I suddenly realized what my ideations were – a desire for change that saw no direction to do so. I was – am – so overwhelmed with feeling stuck, needing so desperately a way out and not seeing one. I am not going to reach out for help with this, I can’t even articulate it myself. What could I say?

Suicide isn’t a cry for help, it is a symptom of being overwhelmed with a need for change.

So what can be done? Two things – one for the suicidal person and one for everyone else.

For the suicidal: Choose. First, acknowledge why you feel so overwhelmed, identify what you want changed, and then choose to change it. At the very least, choose to fight. Yeah, if you are reading this and feeling suicidal, your next thought is “but I am so tired.” Yup, you are, that’s why you are here. Go through the process of mourning. Acknowledge it, give it its time to be heard, then set it aside and go to work. It isn’t easy, but everything in life can change except that one thing – once you’re dead there is no more opportunity to change.

For everyone else: Choose. First, realize that no one needs a suicide hotline, everyone needs a friend. Choose to be that friend. If you haven’t heard from that friend that tends to get low sometimes, reach out, let them know they are missed and are important to you. You would be surprised how a small and simple act of recognizing someone’s existence can do for them. As a matter of fact, reach out to ALL of your friends and let them know you care. You miss them. They are important and you see them.

I usually end my posts with some hopeful, spiritual remark. Praying has helped me. Crying to Heavenly Father begging for change has helped me. But you have to have faith enough to try. You have to choose to trust the Lord and in His timing. If you aren’t there yet, you can still choose. Choose to try and read, choose to pray. Choose to fight.

We are all here by virtue of our willingness to fight for the Plan of Salvation. The war isn’t finished, that was just the battle to get here. So, keep up the fight and chose to live and push through until something changes. It will, it always does, you just have to choose to fight through this hardship until it comes.

I love you for being here.